


As It Was Meant To Be

by bespelled



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-27
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-05-12 14:01:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5668591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bespelled/pseuds/bespelled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone they knew said it - Jisoo and Jeonghan were made for each other. They were endgame. </p><p>But now, as Jeonghan looks back, he struggles to remember where it all started to fall apart. </p><p>Main!Jihan, featuring Jicheol, Meanie, Soonseok, Verkwan, and Chinaline.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The call came near midnight, the sound a shock to his senses. His head shot up from the papers that had become his temporary pillow, his eyes registering the name on the screen but his mind only catching up a few heartbeats after.

"Is it Jeonghan?" His tone came out unnaturally clipped as he answered. There was silence on the other end, a crackle of static, before a familiar voice came over the line, words clear but hesitation evident.

"Yah, Jisoo. Sorry." Jisoo sighed at the other person's tone, his fingers raking through his dark brown locks as he struggled for calm. He let the pause draw out for a moment, all the promises he made himself fighting for dominance in his head, but the words that left his lips negated them all.

As he knew it would.

"Where, Seungcheol?"

Seungcheol quickly rattled off an address, injecting apologies every so often (it wasn't his fault, really, but Jisoo didn't have the energy to reassure him at that moment.) He already had his keys in one hand and a jacket in the other by the time the other man had winded down enough for his reply to be heard.

"I'm coming. Make sure he doesn't do anything worse."

He was striding out of the doorway as he ended the call.

* * *

The place - a frat house, by the looks of it - wasn't that far from campus, thankfully. Still, the night air was biting as he stepped out of the car, and he instinctively wrapped his jacket tighter around his frame.

Move, Jisoo - the cold spurred him on as he headed up to the main door, sending Seungcheol a text to tell him he arrived. Already, he could hear the thrum of the bass, the jeers and shouts of inebriated college students through the walls. He grimaced, steeling himself before opening the door-

-a burst of sound, like he was wearing headphones and someone had suddenly turned it up to full volume.

The house was crawling with people, bodies flush against one another. He saw a few familiar faces in the crowd, but none of them belonged to the person he was looking for. Jisoo began making his way across the room, belatedly realizing how warm it would be in the thick of the crush - when a hand shot out from seemingly nowhere and grabbed his elbow.

"He's this way!" Seungcheol didn't bother with explanations, hauling the other boy towards another part of the house. Jisoo stumbled after him, quickening his pace slightly to match with Seungcheol's, though in the end he still lagged behind.

"What happened?" Jisoo yelled over the music, focusing on the back of Seungcheol's head rather than whatever was going on in shadowed hallways and secluded corners - was that _Mingyu_ he just spotted?

"Jeonghan went overboard." Was Seungcheol's simple reply, and it took the other boy's startled yelp for Jisoo to realize his grip had tightened painfully on his.

"Sorry." Jisoo muttered, loosening his hold.

"I know you're upset Jisoo, hell you have every right to be, but maybe you can cut Jeonghan some slack - at least for now? The guy just failed his midterms, after all..." Seungcheol trailed off, seeing the look on Jisoo's face - stunned, if he had to hazard a guess; also furious, but that was harder to identify, and he couldn't really associate the emotion with the usually calm Hong Jisoo.

Still, Seungcheol's throat bobbed painfully as he swallowed, realizing only in that heartbeat the consequences of his careless statement.

Jisoo hadn't known.

_And Jeonghan was going to murder him._

"Let's revisit that issue when all of us, I mean _most_ of us, are sober, yes?" His sigh of relief was nearly audible when Jisoo nodded, though somewhat curtly. Seungcheol decided at that moment it would be in his best interest to keep his mouth shut for the rest of the way.

"Jisoo-hyung! Seungcheol-hyung!" Junhui straightened from his position against the wall, seeing the two older boys round the corner. He'd been assigned by Seungcheol to guard the door, and despite being somewhat tipsy himself, he thought he'd done a bang up job of it.

Jisoo's eyes softened somewhat seeing him, and he patted Junhui's shoulder in mute thanks. Nodding once more towards Seungcheol, Jisoo tried to steady his racing pulse before he pushed open the door.

* * *

"Urgh." Jeonghan groaned, his mind surfacing from its haze for a moment only to register that his head - nay, his entire body - was hurting. He tried sitting up, pushing sweat-soaked locks away from his forehead, only to register with a start that he was seated in the front seat of a car. A fucking familiar car.

(The fact he recognized the dashboard, even in the dark, told Jeonghan he was still in too deep.)

"How do you feel?" Jeonghan exhaled out a breath, letting his eyes slide shut. Though Jisoo's question showed concern, there was no inflection in his tone - as if he just said it because it was expected of him, because he was the fucking well-mannered Hong Jisoo.

"How do you think I feel?" Jeonghan countered, not liking the way his voice cracked at the end. God, just hearing him speak, after days on end of not seeing each other, and this is what it did to him. He was so fucking hopeless.

"Regretful?" A rare note of dryness entered Jisoo's tone, and Jeonghan couldn't help but snort out in laughter. It soon transformed into a hacking cough, but once he got over his sudden fit they fell once more into painful, awkward silence.

"Why did you come get me?" He told himself he shouldn't ask if he couldn't bear to hear the answer, but the words left his lips unbidden. Jeonghan's fingers dug into the leather seat when Jisoo didn't reply, his heart hammering erratically against his ribcage - _stupid, stupid Yoon Jeonghan..._

"Seungcheol called me." Jisoo finally spoke, and Jeonghan should have left it at that, he should have...

"That's not what I meant." But he couldn't fucking help himself, could he?

This time the silence was absolute and Jeonghan could add his chest to the list of things that were hurting.

* * *

"We're here."

Jisoo's voice was soft, but still it startled Jeonghan out of his drowsiness.

Jeonghan glanced out the window, his eyesight still adjusting to the sudden light. It seemed that 'here', as Jisoo so eloquently put it, referred to his dorm, and Jeonghan tried desperately not to think about how Jisoo would have brought him straight to his apartment before, where he'd often end up spending the night.

"Right. Thanks." It was an automatic, conditioned thing - Jeonghan turned towards him and leaned forward over the gearshift, only to freeze halfway at the look on the other boy's face.

"Forgot. Sorry." Even he could hear the bitterness in his mutter and he winced. He was about to draw away, his gaze already averting, before he felt Jisoo reach out to touch him, a featherlike brush of his fingers against his jaw.

How could that small point of contact break him and make him whole at the same time?

"Take care of yourself, Jeonghan." Too short, too short - already Jisoo had drawn away his hand, his eyes focusing on the street ahead, as if he couldn't get away fast enough.

Jeonghan nodded jerkily, hating himself for the sliver of hope that wormed its way into his heart. He knew it was petty, but he never claimed to be the mature one anyway in their relationship, and slamming Jisoo's door as he walked away gave him some much needed therapeutic healing.

* * *

"Where have you been, hyung?"

Jisoo only answered with an inarticulate sound of exhaustion, to which Jihoon raised a brow. He knew his friend well enough to know what - rather, _who_ put that deep furrow between his brows, had drawn his face in strained lines.

"You should tell Seungcheol to stop calling you if something's up with Jeonghan. You can't protect him forever, Jisoo-hyung." Jihoon, as always, was perfectly blunt with his words, but Jisoo knew deep down he meant well. From their group of friends, he was probably the most patient in dealing with such statements, which probably led to Jihoon requesting him as a roommate.

"I know, Jihoon-ah. I know." Jisoo threw his jacket on his bed, an uncharacteristic gesture, and it was with a start that he realized that the jacket, in fact, was not his.

_..._

_Their team was down by a few points. Normally, Jisoo had no vested interest in sports (especially basketball, for some unfathomable reason) but he would faithfully attend each one of Jeonghan's games, even if the other boy hadn't asked him to._

_He was seated somewhat far off, but he swore he could still pick the blonde out - then again, Jeonghan's long hair was hard to miss but he was more of a romantic then and pegged it on love. If it were anyone else playing, he would have been completely bored already, but Jisoo couldn't help but hold his breath, leap up agitatedly from his seat, drum his fingers in an incessant beat against his thigh as they drew closer and closer, second by second, to the final winning score._

_He remembered Seokmin screaming into his ear when Jeonghan's shot cleared the ring, Seungkwan grabbing his neck from behind and shaking it from sheer excitement. Despite the furor, his eyes were locked on a single figure, and when their gaze met across the hundreds of people there Jisoo knew he wasn't being fanciful._

_It was love, the best one he ever had._

_When Jisoo had run to meet him after the game, a cheer escaping his lips as soon as he saw him, the blonde had laughed and drew him into an embrace, which would have lasted the entire night had not he joked that Jeonghan smelled and felt all sweaty._

_"Clean-freak." Jeonghan had teased him, affection laced in his tone, and as they headed to the car so Jisoo could drive them to the celebratory dinner, Jeonghan had slipped his letterman jacket over his shoulders, to symbolize he said how all things went right for him on that day._

...

"You've got that look on your face again, hyung."

Jihoon's voice broke him from his reverie and Jisoo flushed in embarrassment, having been caught daydreaming by the younger male. Smiling weakly in his flatmate's direction, Jisoo grabbed the jacket from where he threw it and hung it, oh so carefully, at the back of his desk chair.

Whether it was wise or not, Jihoon made no comment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aiyee first chapter done! 
> 
> Just a heads up for all you lovely readers, but this story will feature post-break up Jihan, one-sided Jicheol, on-and-off Meanie, in-denial Soonseok, love-hate Verkwan, a drifting-apart Chinaline and a very confused Chan in the middle. 
> 
> All of this because I'm a sucker for angst, but ya'll need not worry because I am simultaneously a loser for happy endings. 
> 
> Seniors - Seungcheol (Business major), Jeonghan (Business major), Jisoo (English major)  
> Third years - Junhui (Biology major), Soonyoung (Communications major), Wonwoo (Film major), Jihoon (Music major)  
> Second years - Mingyu (Biology major), Seokmin (Psychology major), Minghao (Philosophy major)  
> Freshmen - Seungkwan (Communications major), Hansol (Undeclared major), Chan (Psychology major)
> 
> Brothers - Lee Jihoon, Lee Seokmin, Lee Chan 
> 
> Roommates  
> Hong Jisoo, Lee Jihoon  
> Yoon Jeonghan, Xu Minghao  
> Wen Junhui, Kim Mingyu  
> Kwon Soonyoung, Jeon Wonwoo  
> Boo Seungkwan, Chwe Hansol  
> Lee Seokmin, Lee Chan  
> Choi Seungcheol is clearly a frat boy


	2. Chapter 2

His fist hovered over their door, hesitating, and Seungcheol wondered for the near-hundredth time if this was a good idea, if he really wanted to deal with all this drama _so early in the damn morning_ -

-when the door swung open and a familiar face stared up at him, expression decidedly unamused.

"Seungcheol-hyung." Jihoon said dryly, red backpack fitting snugly over both shoulders and his single eyebrow raise speaking volumes. "What brings you here, at-" He paused, glancing at his watch and if possible his eyebrow went even higher. "-7 am in the morning?"

And, as always, when faced with the pink-haired music major, Choi Seungcheol was forced to assume the guise of a senseless, blabbering idiot.

"Well, I don't know if you noticed, but on second thought you obviously would have, being _you_ , but Jisoo had to go out last night because I called him because Jeonghan got drunk and high and all sorts of things at a party and Jisoo was the first person I thought of and-" The words fell in a rush from his lips, to the point they were near-garbled, and Jihoon immediately raised a hand to cut off any more yammering.

"Jisoo-hyung is still asleep. As you said, he'd gotten in late last night and he just so happens to have an exam this afternoon." Jihoon didn't want to snap at him (well...maybe a small part of him did), but he acknowledged that it wasn't **entirely** Seungcheol's fault.

Jihoon let out a noisy exhale, seeing the older boy's crestfallen expression at his words, and he struggled for patience he didn't feel. Not at that moment. "I know you were just looking out for a friend." He spoke tiredly, his gaze focused on the tops of Seungcheol's shoes, unable to meet the elder in the eye. "But-" He squared his shoulders, his face suddenly fierce as his chin tilted out stubbornly. "-I'm looking out for my friend as well."

"He's my friend too." It was a weak argument, petulantly delivered, the first thing that came to Seungcheol's mind. He could tell from the look on Jihoon's face that he was wholly unimpressed with the response, the other boy's lips pursed in irritation.

"That's why I came over. I have to talk to Jisoo about all of this. Him and Jeonghan. Hell, our whole fucking group dynamic-" He didn't realize his tone was getting louder and louder until Jihoon's hand shot out and grabbed his wrist-

-and Seungcheol couldn't help the surprise he felt or the flush that crept up the back of his neck.

"I get it, Seungcheol-hyung. I get it." Jihoon gentled his tone as much as he could, eyes softening slightly. While he didn't not agree completely with the other boy's method, he could understand his sentiments. "I have to head off to class, but you're welcome to wait in the living room for Jisoo-hyung to wake up." As he spoke, he stepped out of the doorway, finally releasing his hold on the Seungcheol's wrist.

"Good luck." Jihoon said in lieu of a farewell, but as he walked away he couldn't help but feel a pair of eyes burning holes into his back.

* * *

"Jeonghan-hyuuung." A voice sang from somewhere above him, utterly familiar though he couldn't quite place who it belonged to. Not at that moment.

"Jeonghan-hyung, you'll be late for class." The speaker's tone became agitated, and Jeonghan wasn't entirely sure but did he hear some _Chinese_ words thrown in as well?

"Hyung!" That single exclamation, coupled with a desperate tug on his sheets had Jeonghan jerking out of sleep, his squawk of protest at odds with his refined looks (but totally consistent with his personality.)

"A few more minutes, Minghao." He whined, though he was the elder of the two boys. Minghao hesitated, debating internally with himself for a few heartbeats, before he shook his head firmly.

"No, hyung. You can't miss class again." Minghao injected some pleading into his tone. His elder only groaned in response, throwing his arms over his face in frustration. He was just so fucking _tired_. And following that whole debacle with Jisoo last night - the fact he was reduced to relying on his **ex** for help...

Minghao continued to watch him, with a quiet, single-minded focus that had Jeonghan rolling his eyes slightly at first, but soon it transformed into a smile of weary affection, as he reached out to ruffle the boy's honey brown locks with his free hand. "I get it, I get it. I'm up already, Minghao." He said softly. "Thank you."

Jeonghan watched as his roommate nodded, relief clear in his expression, before he stood up and walked over to his own half of the room. _He's getting so tall_ , Jeonghan thought absentmindedly, watching the younger boy as he busied himself with getting ready for class. _He was probably already taller than Jis-_

-he shut down that thought before he could finish it, and with a grunt of utter frustration Jeonghan hauled himself out of bed. He thanked the gods that the room did not spin out of control as he walked towards his desk, though he could have also done without the incessant headache and foul-tasting breath.

"Will I see you at lunch later?" Jeonghan glanced up at Minghao's query, shrugging lightly in response.

"We'll see~" He sang vaguely, grabbing various things from the desk and placing them on his bed. _Phone, books, wallet_ \- the list rattled off in his head. "I may have plans with some friends, but it's not confirmed yet. I'll definitely let you know."

Jeonghan had his back to him as he spoke, so he didn't see the way Minghao's expression shuttered for a moment, his bright eyes dimming ever so slightly.  
  
"Yeah, ok." He spoke, voice soft. "See you hyung."

* * *

He was pacing, back and forth, back and forth, and Seungcheol wondered for a moment what Jihoon would do to him if he got home and found a hole worn through his precious carpet.

There mere thought caused a visceral shudder to go through his frame, and Seungcheol decided that sitting would be a totally serviceable second option right about then.

His fingers played with the hem of his shirt as he plopped himself down on the couch, and as he sank down into the rich leather, he took some time to observe his surroundings.

He'd never really noticed before, but Jisoo and Jihoon's place was considerably well-appointed, especially for a pair of college students. They had a fully-stocked kitchen, a small entertainment system, _hell_ even a small corner devoted to Jihoon's instruments, along with Jisoo's acoustic guitar.

He remembered once, in passing, that Jeonghan had mentioned to him that Jisoo's family was loaded (seriously loaded), but the other boy had said it in such an offhand tone that Seungcheol had thought nothing of it then.

...

_"Hey, can I ask you something?" Jeonghan slipped into the seat beside him, his voice hushed so not to be heard over their professor's droning lecture._

_"What's up?" Seungcheol's gaze didn't leave the screen of his phone, so he didn't catch the struggle in Jeonghan's expression before the boy spoke again._

_"What do you think I should get Jisoo for our anniversary?"_

_Seungcheol snorted lightly, giving him a sideways glance. "Really? You're asking me?"_

_Jeonghan let out a frustrated sigh, slumping down onto the desk, pressing his face against the wood. "Yes, I'm asking you." He spoke, voice muffled. "I was thinking of getting him a watch, but to be honest I don't have that kind of money."_

_"A watch? The hell Jeonghan, what are you guys? Married?" A student one row ahead of them turned and glared in their direction, and Seungcheol shot him an apologetic look before turning once more to his friend. "Seriously, Jeonghan why would you ever consider getting him something that **expensive?"**_

It was only now did Seungcheol realize how quiet Jeonghan got after that conversation, how his expression turned hooded, guarded. When the day of their anniversary had rolled around, Seungcheol saw him clutching a small package to his chest, worrying at the corner of the gift with his fingers.

...

"Seungcheol? What are you doing here?"

A bleary-eyed, pajama-clad Jisoo shuffled into the living room, his voice filled with utter confusion as he stared at the dark-haired boy. Seungcheol instinctively shot up from his comfortable position on the couch, and though he offered Jisoo a bright grin, the way his fingers twisted together at the front of his jeans revealed the true state of his nerves.

"Can't I come to visit a friend in the wee hours of the morning?" It was a feeble attempt at humor, and from the way Jisoo eyed him doubtfully, the younger boy didn't buy into it at all.

"Well, okay then. If you say so." Jisoo shrugged lightly, ignoring the open-mouthed gape Seungcheol afforded him at his blasé reply. There was only one reason that could have brought the elder to his doorway at such an inconvenient time, and the longer he could put off that conversation by acting ignorant, he would.

"Have you eaten breakfast?" Jisoo continued blithely, striding towards their small kitchen. He already began pulling out ingredients from the refrigerator; _eggs, milk, syrup_ \- the list rattled off in his head.

"While your offer of food sounds quite promising-" Seungcheol couldn't help but eye Jisoo's hands as he began cooking, his mouth watering at the mere scent of it. "-it won't distract me, Jisoo." Seungcheol leaned his elbows against the counter, trying to meet the other boy's gaze. All his attempts were studiously **ignored**. "I came here to talk about you and Jeonghan."

(he said it so easily, or that's how it appeared to Jisoo. _You and Jeonghan_ \- as if that was what they still were. As if that was what they still could be.)

"Alright then. What about Jeonghan-" Jisoo swallowed, trying desperately to pretend saying his name didn't affect him. Not one bit, not at all. "-and I?" There was an uncharacteristic challenge to his tone, and from Seungcheol's startled expression, the other boy thought it was unlike him as well.

"Are you really going to leave things like this, Jisoo?" All the things he could have said, all the things he thought of saying - he'd spent the entire time walking to their apartment going through his speech in his head - and that was what he blurted out. And from Jisoo's deer-in-the-headlights expression, the other boy wasn't expecting it at all. 

"Seriously Jisoo-" In for a penny, in for a pound. "-when I first heard you guys broke up, I thought Seungkwan was _joking_. Really. How many years have you two been together?" _4 and a half_ , Jisoo's mind prompted silently. "And even before that, how long have you loved Jeonghan?" _Since the freshman year of high school, when he volunteered to show the awkward new kid around._ "You're both so clearly in love that you've become an institution in the University." Now **that** conjured a memory,  _Jeonghan grinning up at him as a group of girls tried to pretend they weren't watching..._

_...then the blonde had tugged him closer for a kiss._

"And to those that know you, the people who are close to you - they can see how completely right you are for each other. You're endgame."  

Seungcheol barely stopped for a breath between his words, and he wanted to grab Jisoo's shoulders over the counter and shake them when the other boy didn't say anything in reply. In turn, Jisoo's mind was racing, a cascade of memories, of moments flashing in his mind's eye - the scent of Jeonghan's hair after he'd taken a shower, the way his hand would always rest at the curve of Jisoo's hip, the silent conversations they had with gaze alone...

"There are some things you don't know, Seungcheol-" Jisoo finally spoke, but he was just as quickly cut off.

"-everyone has issues, Jisoo. You can get over them." Seungcheol insisted, and by this point he was leaning over the counter, his expression completely adamant. "I've heard about it from Jeonghan, and you can work it out, talk it over, I'm absolutely, one hundred percent certain of that fact." 

"I know you're best friends with Jeonghan, Seungcheol-" Once, long ago, Jisoo had felt somewhat uneasy about their closeness, to the point it hurt whenever he saw them together, but when he finally had the courage to bring it up, Jeonghan was quick to put aside his fears. _You're it for me, Jisoo. Then, now, forever._ He'd grinned then, smugly, and Jisoo just had to smother his stupid, ~~beautiful~~ face with a pillow.

"-but he doesn't tell you everything." Seungcheol couldn't help but jerk back at that statement, and in turn Jisoo couldn't help but feel incredibly guilty. 

"Sorry, that was uncalled for." He murmured, and when Seungcheol nodded quietly, his expression filled with understanding, Jisoo felt his heart lift up somewhat. "It's just that-" 

"-you're both such different people now, and you guys don't know how to work your way around that." Jisoo's eyes snapped up, and though he heard Seungcheol's voice he knew who the words belonged to. "You both want to figure this out, but you can't work your way through it if you both stubbornly _cling_ to each other." He smiled, somewhat sadly. "Jeonghan can be surprisingly insightful, sometimes." 

"Not just sometimes." The response came automatically, and when Seungcheol raised a brow, Jisoo merely flushed and looked away. 

There was a moment of silence, broken only by the clink of utensils and the soft sizzle of oil on the pan. "So..." Seungcheol finally ventured, tilting his head as he stared at Jisoo. "You never answered my question. Are you really going to leave things like this?" He asked quietly.

**Vulnerable** , that was the only way Seungcheol could have described the look Jisoo showed him - an expression he often saw mirrored on his best friend's face these days, when he didn't realize Seungcheol was looking.

_"I don't know."_

* * *

"Well, well someone's up bright and early for class, and this is _despite_ getting wasted the previous night. Good for you, hyung." Jeonghan made a face at the boy who spoke, slapping him on the arm for good measure, before sliding into the empty seat next to him. "Shut it, Mingyu. I'm not in the mood." 

"Testy, testy." But the other boy's grin was genuine as he slung an arm over Jeonghan's shoulder, bumping his hip lightly against his. "Seriously though - how's my favorite hyung? I felt like I haven't seen you in **ages**."

"You were there at the party last night." Jeonghan pointed out dryly, but his expression soon softened, and he briefly pressed his forehead against Mingyu's shoulder, seeking comfort. "Then again, you were pretty wrapped up in Wonwoo-" His tone took on a teasing lilt. "-so it's not difficult to imagine you not noticing me." 

"Oh, I'll always notice you, hyung." He could say such words so _easily_ to Jeonghan, when they didn't carry anything more than simple, platonic affection. "But that party didn't count, and you know it." _Besides, you were intoxicated for most of it._ He left that part unsaid. 

"Can't a man grieve the end of his 4 and a half year relationship alone and in peace?" It was a thoughtless joke, and from the look on Mingyu's face, it wasn't well received. Not at all. "Sorry, I'm still somewhat hungover so you're going to have to deal with bitter Jeonghan for a while." He tried for a smile, but it just fell short of his eyes. 

Mingyu clearly thought so as well as he squeezed Jeonghan's shoulder, trying to offer solace in a way he couldn't with words. "It's ok, hyung. You don't have to pretend for my sake." He spoke softly. "But if you want to talk about it, I'm always ready to listen." The serious expression on the younger boy's face told Jeonghan he meant every word of it, and at that the blonde couldn't help but chuckle, reaching up to pinch his cheek gently.

"Awww...who's a sweetheart?" He cooed, almost bursting into laughter upon seeing Mingyu's disgruntled face.

"I was trying to be serious, hyung." The younger boy whined, bottom lip jutting out in a pout, and Jeonghan knew he wouldn't appreciate this at all but still he reached up with both hands and smushed them against Mingyu's cheeks.

"Sweetheart." He pronounced him, heart _light_ for the first time in the past few days. "I should have come to you sooner, Mingyu." He said jokingly. "No one can be sad in the face of your puppy-like charm."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Mingyu muttered, but he didn't bat Jeonghan's hands away, simply content with the fact the elder boy had smiled. He could tolerate the good-natured teasing, if it put Jeonghan in a happy mood. "That's me, a giant lumbering piece of fluff." He spoke sarcastically but was secretly pleased when Jeonghan laughed.

"That you are." Jeonghan finally withdrew his hands, settling down more comfortably in his seat. As he turned his gaze forward, he couldn't help but notice the subvert glances people were throwing his way, one girl craning her neck almost painfully to look behind her. It would have been comical, if he didn't know perfectly well the reason for their stares.

"The professor's running late, isn't he?" He spoke loudly, pointedly, and the other students quickly took the hint and switched their attention elsewhere. Jeonghan sighed, folding his arms over his chest, his expression closing off once more. He hated thinking everyone knew about him and Jisoo, he hated the speculation they would indulge in, as if they knew who they were, what they had _meant_ to each other. People couldn't just mind their own damn business, could they?

If only Mingyu had retained his first impression of being intimidating, he would have glared menacingly at them all. He settled for mirroring Jeonghan's position, all crossed arms and languid posture, as if neither of them had a care in the world.

_If only_ , Mingyu reflected quietly, _it were true._

* * *

Jisoo was so preoccupied with his thoughts that he didn't hear them at first, to the point that even Seungkwan clearing his throat in an exaggerated manner didn't gain his attention.

They all exchanged glances, before unanimously coming to a decision. "Jisoo-hyung!" They hollered in chorus.

Jisoo let out a startled squeak, his eyes impossibly wide as he looked up at them in surprise.

"It took a while to get your attention, hyung." Seungkwan observed, feigning nonchalance, and beside him Hansol snorted at his dramatics. Minghao and Junhui on the other hand were simply bobbing their heads in agreement. "Quarter for your thoughts?" Seungkwan said the latter in English, stumbling over some syllables, but he looked quite proud of himself afterwards that Jisoo didn't have the heart to tell him the correct word was 'penny'.

"Sorry for ignoring you - my mind was just wandering a bit, that's all." Jisoo offered them a weak smile, waving his hand towards the empty chairs next to him. "Are you all done with classes?" Jisoo asked conversationally as they took their seats, Seungkwan and Hansol across from him and Minghao and Junhui on either side. "Anything interesting happen?" He couldn't help but pray silently that something _did_ happen, just to distract the four of them from a certain line of conversation-

-but once Seungkwan latched on to something, he was without a doubt a force that couldn't be derailed.

"So hyung, what's got you so absentminded lately?" If anyone could fake a perfectly innocent tone, it would be Boo Seungkwan, though they all knew him too well at that point for it to work on them. "I can't imagine what, or who, could be running in your thoughts 24/7. Care to share with your beloved dongsaengs?" Seungkwan fluttered his lashes for effect, and they all in turn looked at Jisoo as if to say _'~well?'_

"Oh you know. School stuff." Jisoo said vaguely, studiously ignoring their looks of disbelief. "I have an exam later, so I've just been reviewing all this time-"

"Really, hyung - how can you be so dense? What I'm really asking is what is the deal between you and Jeo-" Hansol, thank the heavens for Hansol, slapped a hand over Seungkwan's mouth before he could finish his sentence. The other boy sputtered beneath his palm, but from the way he glared you could already predict the less-than-savory content of his words.

"If Joshua-hyung doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't have to." Hansol said loyally, falling into his habit of referring to Jisoo by his American name. Jisoo shot him a grateful look, about to say he had to leave soon if he didn't want to be late-

-when suddenly, in a burst of movement neither of them expected, Minghao stood up and shouted. "Jeonghan-hyung!" He waved his arm furiously in greeting.

Jisoo told himself he wouldn't look, that he'd keep his gaze locked on Hansol's, but it was like an incessant tug, an **impulse** \- his head canted upwards and from all the students there his eyes met his first.

He wondered if his expression mirrored Jeonghan's, full of shock and uncertainty. Poor Mingyu, switching his gaze from Jeonghan to them to Jeonghan once more in rapid succession. Taking pity on the younger boy, Jisoo caught Jeonghan's eye and inclined his head towards their table. _Sit down?_

He saw the other boy's hesitation and he told himself it _shouldn't_ have hurt, but in the end Jeonghan nodded quietly and tugged Mingyu in their direction.

"They're coming over here." Seungkwan reported, somewhat unnecessarily - they all had their eyes on them after all - but Jisoo supposed the younger's stage whisper was apropos for the situation. Some part of him still felt dazed when Jeonghan took a seat at the corner, not directly in front of him but within his line up of sight, Mingyu occupying the last empty seat on the other end.

"Well, isn't it nice that we can have Mingyu and Jeonghan-hyung joining us, Hansol?" Seungkwan spoke conversationally, and though he addressed Hansol his gaze remained on Jisoo, expectant. "It's always best when all of us are together, after all."

(yes, Boo Seungkwan wasn't subtle _at all_.)

"Yes, of course." Jisoo murmured, and out of the corner of his eye he saw Jeonghan's gaze snap to him before the blonde looked down once more.

"I'm glad you agree with my sentiments, Jisoo-hyung, though I would have preferred if you showed more **excitement**." Seungkwan's attention then landed on Mingyu, who met the younger boy's smile with a frozen look of his own. "So Mingyu, did you and Jeonghan-hyung just come from class?" 

It took a few heartbeats, but Mingyu eventually caught on and nodded emphatically. "Yes. We did. It was a good class. Quite...informative." He ended somewhat weakly.

"I see. How very interesting. Do you share the same opinion, Jeonghan-hyung?" At this point, Jisoo wanted to laugh hysterically, the tension only ratcheting up with each of Seungkwan's questions, yet the younger boy continued to feign obliviousness.

(still, Jisoo snuck a look at Jeonghan as he waited for the blonde's reply.)

"Yeah, I guess? I mean, I don't seem to love it like Mingyu does-" Jeonghan tried to inject some humor in his tone, to offset the strained atmosphere. "-he attends every single class without fail, yet still he ends up falling asleep by the half-hour mark-" 

"-you haven't been going to class?" The question burst out before Jisoo could stop it, and from the way Jeonghan's eyes narrowed, he didn't appreciate it. Not one bit.

"It's an easy course, Jisoo." They locked gazes over the table - Jisoo's fingers knotted together painfully and Jeonghan's were digging into the cloth of his jeans. "I don't skip _all_ the time, just a lecture here and there. After all, we can't be all perfectly diligent students like **you**." He didn't know what was making him say those things, a flood of words he had no control over, and while his expression remained cool, Jeonghan's pulse was beating a staccato against his throat.

(he wondered if Jisoo knew his heartbeat sounded a lot like his name, at least to his ears. he wondered if Jisoo knew how _crazy_ he was becoming, with him just sitting there a few meters away.)

"I didn't mean it that way Jeonghan." His voice became quiet, oh so quiet, and Jeonghan hated how calm and reasonable it made him seem, when he was just barely holding on to his wits. "I just..." Jisoo fell silent, as if he was trying to find the right thing to say, and in that moment his gaze roved generously over Jeonghan's face - the bridge of his nose, the clarity of his eyes, the seam of his lips-

"-I was just concerned, that's all."

Some part of Jeonghan's heart soared at hearing that. _Of course_ he still cared. _Of course_ he still loved him. In hindsight, he wondered if he'd said the right thing at that moment, not the next words that left his lips, stinging ones, hurtful ones - would everything have been fixed? Would they once again be together, perfectly in love?

Jeonghan's chuckle sounded **bitter** to his own ears. "Well, you gave up the right to be concerned over me, didn't you?"

He didn't hear Seungkwan suck in a breath, didn't see the other four boys watch the pair of them, completely shell-shocked. All he saw was Jisoo's _flinch_ , the way his lips pressed together and his eyes glazed over-

"-I have to go."

_Stop him_ , his mind yelled, but he body did nothing as Jisoo shot up from his seat, the scraping of the chair loud even in the din of the cafeteria.

"I'm sorry." Those were Jisoo's parting words, and the same ones Jeonghan whispered heartbeats later when his back disappeared from sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...that ended up A LOT more angsty than I expected.
> 
> Points for Jicheol though? (though it isn't much, only a start. eep!)
> 
> Well, at least I have some cute interactions between the other members. Who doesn't love Jeonghan and Minghao and Jeonghan and Mingyu? Plus, friendship Cheolsoo is good for the heart, like chicken. 
> 
> Hopefully I'll be able to get Wonwoo, Soonyoung, Seokmin and Chan in there soon - probably by the next chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the tables have turned. Also, tipsy Jisoo was fun to write.

The letters seemed to blur before his eyes, and Jisoo thought it would be less depressing if he pegged it on sheer physical exhaustion.

He let out a sigh, reaching up to press the heels of his hands against his throbbing temples. Papers were strewn about his desk, books stacked haphazardly on every free surface, and if he wasn't paying attention a stray pen or other pointy object tended to poke at his exposed elbows.

Usually, he wouldn't be able to stand such a mess, but for some unfathomable reason he couldn't summon the energy to set things in their proper place. Not at this time.

His eyes fell on the blinking screen of his phone - 4 new messages, the notification said, and already he had a sneaking suspicion about who they were all from.

Seungcheol, certainly - especially after he heard what happened in the cafeteria (the other boy wouldn't let up about it, really.) The other one would probably be from Jihoon, asking what he'd want for dinner - it was the younger's turn to buy that night after all.

Jisoo supposed Seungkwan was another good bet, the next one of his friends who remained entirely fixated on the situation between him and Jeonghan (still, Seungcheol took that title, hands down.)

He couldn't think of who the last one could be, or rather he didn't want to reflect on who he _wished_ it would be-

-and Jisoo thanked the heavens when a loud knock interrupted his dangerous, dangerous train of thought.

"Yo, yo, yo wassup Josh?"

Jisoo couldn't stop his grin as he came face to face with his excitable blonde visitor, the other practically bouncing on the balls of his feet from all his unspent energy. He changed his mind - if there was anything he'd thank the heavens for tonight, it was the unfailing happiness of one Kwon Soonyoung.

"Yo, yo, yo wassup Hosh?" Jisoo reciprocated his greeting with a complex high five, Soonyoung letting out a loud hoot when they finished.

"You're getting better and better at that, hyung." The younger spoke, grinning brightly. Jisoo chuckled, before stepping aside and inviting his friend in with a dramatic flourish of his hand.

"Thank you, good sir." Soonyoung gave him a mock bow before stepping inside their apartment. "Jihoon around?" He threw the query over his shoulder, already making a beeline for the fridge. Jisoo shook his head in amusement.

"He hasn't come home yet." Jisoo spoke with a shrug, before heading back towards his desk, unconsciously dragging his feet with each step. The prospect of school work just didn't seem appealing right now. "He said he'll be studying out today, but he'd eat dinner at home."

"Sooo...if you text him right now and say that you'll be going out, I'm guessing he wouldn't mind and just grab dinner wherever he is?" Soonyoung's tone was careful, innocent; his smile practically angelic when Jisoo turned to look at him suspiciously.

"I guess." Jisoo replied cautiously, his alarm growing by the second as he watched Soonyoung's ever-widening grin. "What are you up to, Kwon Soonyoung?"

"Well..."

* * *

 "Thanks for coming with me, hyung!" Soonyoung yelled over the near-deafening music, the flashing lights of the club making his pale blonde locks look polychromatic. The whole place seemed to vibrate with the thrum of the bass, and from Jisoo's vantage point at the edges, the crowd looked ready to swallow him whole - a sea of slick, fevered skin and tightly-packed bodies.

"Well, you did say you needed a designated driver." Jisoo's hand tightened on Soonyoung's arm, a grip that had the younger wincing slightly. "I'm just doing my job as your hyung." He joked lightly, but from the way his eyes flickered back and forth it was clear Jisoo was out of his comfort zone.

Soonyoung swallowed down his sudden feelings of guilt, instead giving Jisoo another bright smile.

"This way, hyung. I promised to meet Seokmin by the bar." Jisoo barely registered Soonyoung's words before he was pulled through the mass of people, and for a moment he felt suffocated by the heavy press of bodies.

How Jeonghan could do this on a regular basis, he had no idea.

Jisoo couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief when they reached the bar, though if he were being objective their destination didn't inspire any, none at all. A long stretch of dark-colored counter, far too sticky to be hygienic, but at least there were fewer people loitering around. Jisoo gratefully took one of the empty bar stools, trying his hardest to hear Soonyoung's chattering over the din.

"Hey hyung. Is it ok if I try looking for Seokmin?" This, he partially yelled into Jisoo's ear and though his heart was already beating out of his chest, Jisoo gave his permission with a nod. His eyes remained trained on his friend's back as he wove his way once more through the crush, and when Soonyoung finally disappeared from sight he gripped the edge of the counter in an attempt to steady his nerves.

"Drink?" Jisoo was sure his expression as he turned around looked comical, if the bartender's amused smile was any indication.

"Not a regular, I take it." The stranger spoke teasingly, a dimple appearing in the corner of his mouth, and Jisoo was able to register in the midst of his daze that he was in fact quite good-looking.

"Don't worry-" The bartender punctuated this statement with a wink. "-I'll be sure to teach you the ropes."

* * *

Jeonghan felt Seokmin come up from behind him, looping his arms over his shoulders. "See Soonyoung anywhere, hyung?" He spoke loudly into his ear, his head swiveling back and forth as he tried to look for a familiar blonde in the sea of people.

"No, but you texted him right?" Jeonghan yelled back, his own gaze searching the crowd for their friend, recognizing a few faces but not seeing the one they were looking for.

Then, without warning, a body barreled into the pair, causing Jeonghan to curse and Seokmin to burst out in laughter. "Jeonghan-hyung, Seokmin!"

"Whoa - calm yourself, Soonyoung." Jeonghan tried his best to steady the three of them, Soonyoung's unexpected attack causing them to teeter in place (it didn't help that the younger boys were intent on greeting each other - their continuous exchange of 'Soonyoung!' & 'Seokmin!' positively endearing if he still wasn't off balance.)

"Oh god, please don't tell me you're that drunk already." Jeonghan spoke dryly when the three of them finally got untangled, though he couldn't help but notice Soonyoung kept his arm comfortably around Seokmin's shoulders.

"I'm not a lightweight, hyung and you know it." Soonyoung shot back easily, before exchanging a glance with Seokmin that Jeonghan couldn't read.

_What were these boys up to-_

"Hey hyung, let's go over to the bar? I'm not dancing the night away without some alcohol in me." Soonyoung grabbed Jeonghan's wrist and began dragging him through the crowd, Seokmin trailing behind the pair and chattering excitedly.

"Thanks for coming out with us tonight, hyung!" Seokmin knocked his hip lightly at Jeonghan's as he drew up to his side. "You don't have anything important this week right?" Seokmin's gaze was expectant, but when Jeonghan only replied with a shrug, his expression immediately transformed into one of worry. "Hyung~"

"I got it under control, Seokmin." Jeonghan interrupted him before the younger could continue, ignoring the hurt that flashed across the boy's face. He didn't want to talk about these things, not with Seokmin, not with anyone really and the only reason he came tonight was once again so he didn't have to think about a certain someone-

"Hey, isn't that Jisoo-hyung?"

Too much surprise in their expressions. Too much innocence in their tones. If those two boys could expire from glaring alone, they would have already been dead.

"I can't believe you guys!" Soonyoung and Seokmin's eyes darted to one another at his outburst, and before Jeonghan could even turn on his heel they leapt into action, grabbing either one of his arms and holding him in place. "Let me go, dammit! I can't believe you would bring him here, of all places-"

"You guys have to talk it out, hyung-" Seokmin held on for dear life as he spoke. Damn, but Jeonghan was _strong_. "-and you wouldn't agree to meet any other way. We had to be sneaky about it!"

"Seriously, hyung - this is all getting out of hand. We're all worried about you two and this situation won't get any better if you continue to avoid each other-" Jeonghan had nearly broke free, and Soonyoung thanked the heavens for his childhood training in Taekwondo for he was able to hold onto him (just barely.)

Jeonghan heard their words but they simply wouldn't penetrate the fog of his anger. Jisoo broke up with him, not the other way around - _he_ should be the one coming up to Jeonghan, the one trying to set things right. And though it grated on his pride he knew, deep down, if Jisoo ever asked for his forgiveness-

"...hey, wait a minute. Who's Jisoo-hyung talking to?"

The confusion in Soonyoung's tone had Jeonghan's eyes snapping to Jisoo's direction-

-and the vein of his fury transformed into another emotion all together.

* * *

Jisoo didn't know why he accepted the first drink, or the second (or the third.) He blamed it on the bartender's insistence, and the fact he felt so damn uncomfortable just sitting there, wondering where Soonyoung went-

-and perhaps some part of him wondered why Jeonghan liked this stuff so much, why the other boy constantly drank himself to a stupor, leaving him to deal with a hungover boyfriend the next day.

And, Jisoo couldn't help but conclude, if the reason was this light, airy feeling - as if everything, even the suspicious stain on counter he'd been eyeing before could no longer bother him - Jisoo could totally understand.

Then again, that could be the alcohol talking.

"Did you like it?" Once again, the bartender came up to him, grinning that same toothy grin. Jisoo had been somewhat suspicious of it at first, but then again the man did give him three free drinks, so he couldn't be _that_ bad. "Want to try something else?" Before he could even reply - the last logical part of himself saying no - another glass was already pushed into his hands, refreshingly chilled against his warm palms.

"Thanks." Jisoo mumbled, staring at the beaded rim of the glass in rapt fascination, his regard so intent that he almost didn't catch the question the bartender (he really should ask him for his name again) threw at him-

"Hey, do you have any plans for the rest of the night? I get off my shift soon, so..."

-though someone else, a very particular someone, heard every single word.

"Ah Jisoo-ah, this is where you got to." He slid his hand over his shoulders, wrapping his fingers around his neck and squeezing gently. Friendly, almost, if you didn't see the glint in his eyes. "I got worried."

"Jeonghannie!" Jisoo exclaimed, turning to the other boy. And Jeonghan told himself he wouldn't react, wouldn't let it get to him, but the unguarded happiness in Jisoo's expression upon seeing him-

-it both broke and mended, wounded and healed.

"A friend, Jisoo-ah?" Jeonghan's lips thinned, hearing the familiar way the bartender addressed him. He was about to open his mouth, a reply hot on his tongue though he had no idea what he'd say exactly-

"No, Jeonghan will never be _just_ a friend."

Jisoo's voice was soft, so soft, but still he heard every word of it. Jeonghan's eyes flew to the other's face in shock, and such foolish, foolish hope...

Then Jisoo slumped forward, his voice almost slurred as he said. "Jeonghannie, I'm so dizzy..." At that, the other boy quickly snapped back to his senses (though it almost hurt to do so), glaring at the bartender for good measure before propping Jisoo up in his arms, taking most of the other boy's weight. "C'mon-" He murmured. "-I'm taking you out of here."

As soon as he secured one of Jisoo's arms over his shoulder, his own curled protectively around his waist, Jeonghan maneuvered them around slowly, only to come face to face with Seokmin's worried gaze. Soonyoung immediately moved to Jisoo's left, apologies spilling from his lips, and Jeonghan only offered him a curt nod in return.

"I'll deal with you two afterwards-" His words were practically a growl. "-but first let's get Jisoo home."

* * *

 Getting Jisoo home proved a lot more challenging than he initially thought.

Jisoo, first off, was dead weight. If there was no one supporting him, he toppled like a log (a sight that nearly caused Jeonghan's heart to leap out of his chest, him stumbling forward in his haste to catch him.) Thank heavens Jisoo brought a car - Jeonghan couldn't imagine carting him through public transportation in his current state.

"Drive, Soonyoung." From his tone alone, Jeonghan was still clearly pissed at them both, and the pair knew inciting his anger any further wouldn't be wise (mild-mannered Jisoo they could deal with - his seemingly angelic counterpart was another matter altogether), so they did what they were told with nary a complaint.

Seokmin helped Jeonghan get Jisoo into the back (a feat in itself since Jisoo wouldn't let go of them both), but eventually they had him lying across the backseat, head cushioned on Jeonghan's lap while Seokmin sat with Sooyoung up front.

Jisoo's mumbles were the only sound that broke the tense silence. Seokmin shifted uneasily in his seat, back ramrod straight, and Soonyoung's hands tightened spasmodically on the wheel, palms sweaty. They were waiting for Jeonghan to say something, _anything_ but the older boy remained quiet, which only ratcheted the tension up further.

(something Jeonghan did knowingly, to punish the boys a little for their scheme.)

Still, he couldn't help but stroke his fingers carefully through Jisoo's hair, unsure if it was for the other boy's comfort or his own. All he knew was that he always loved the feel of Jisoo's soft curls against his hand, and he would take advantage of this single moment, as much as he could.

"Oh god-" Jeonghan's eyes narrowed, glaring pointedly at the back of Soonyoung's head at his sudden utterance. What could it be now?

"-Jihoon is going to kill me for getting Jisoo drunk." His voice sounded absolutely frightened and Jeonghan wasn't sure what to feel when the much smaller Jihoon seemed to inspire more terror than he did (not that he didn't understand.) Next to Soonyoung, Seokmin seem to freeze in his seat at the mention of his older brother, a strangled squeak escaping his throat.

"We can't let Jihoon-hyung know about this. _Please_." Seokmin cast a desperate glance at Soonyoung and Jeonghan. "He's going to flip just knowing I went to a club."

"Not my problem." Jeonghan pointed out dryly, taking some satisfaction from the way Seokmin's face paled. "He'll be furious at you both, but as a victim of your little scheme, I'm in the clear."

"Please, hyung! We're really sorry. Please don't make us bring Jisoo-hyung home and rat us out to Jihoon!" Soonyoung wailed, with Seokmin nodding furiously at his side, looking like he was on the verge of crying.

"Jihoon-hyung will punish us and you know it." Seokmin's voice was a whisper, his expression almost haunted. "He will say he doesn't want to do it, but we all know he takes pleasure in making us all suffer." A touch dramatic, perhaps, but Jeonghan got the point.

Jeonghan wouldn't say he wasn't moved (he had a soft spot for the both of them and they both knew it, dammit) but it took Soonyoung's next sentence to convince him completely.

"...besides, wouldn't it be best for Jisoo-hyung that you take care of him during his first hangover?"

* * *

_Weak_ , Jeonghan berated himself once he got into his dorm and Jisoo onto his bed, the latter lying diagonally, arms and legs akimbo, on the mattress. Soonyoung and Seokmin had already gone to their respective rooms, which left Jeonghan with an unconscious ex-boyfriend and too many thoughts spinning in his head.

Sighing loudly, Jeonghan rubbed his face with his hands, before running them through his hair in frustration. What the hell was he doing, when he agreed to have Jisoo stay the night? He should have made Soonyoung take him home and let those two have faced the wrath of one Lee Jihoon.

But he was _weak_ and sentimental and ~~stupidly in love~~ , and that basically translated to a loss of all practical reason. At least Minghao was at Junhui's for the night (though he would have been ecstatic to see Jeonghan and Jisoo together again, regardless of the circumstances).

As if he'd heard his thoughts, Jisoo made a sudden noise, wrinkling his nose in sleep, before he turned and plopped himself down on his stomach - it was one of his favorite sleeping positions.

Jeonghan could only verbalize the pain he felt at that adorable scene with an inarticulate groan.

He'd already taken off Jisoo's shoes and outerwear, leaving the younger in his long-sleeved shirt and jeans. He refused to even contemplate the idea that he change the rest of his clothes, though he did have his old set of pajamas which Jisoo loved to borrow (when they were still together.)

A glance into his drawer confirmed it.

At first, Jeonghan didn't understand at first why Jisoo liked that pair so much, but when the brunette had worn it, the sleeves too long for his arms and that one missing button near the bottom causing the shirt to gap open ever so _slightly_...

...Jeonghan turned on his heel, heading towards his desk as if his school work had suddenly called to him. Accounting seemed like a brilliant idea at that moment, a welcome distraction from his dangerous, dangerous train of thought.

* * *

Despite his earlier doubts, Jeonghan was actually able to get some work done, and the relief he felt at seeing his printed reports all neatly stacked on his desk - it was heady indeed. He stretched his arms overhead, the beginnings of a yawn on his lips (he'd been at it for a few hours), when a sudden noise made him freeze-

"...Jeonghannie?" A confused murmur.

Jisoo was awake.

"Jeonghannie...where am I?"

Jeonghan turned to see Jisoo propping himself onto his elbows, one hand going to rub the grit from his eyes. "Oh dear-" The other boy moaned as he fully sat up, fingers immediately going to his temples. "Why does my head hurt so bad?"

Jeonghan, by then already acting on impulse, moved from his desk to the edge of his bed in record speed, water and medicine already in hand. "Here-" He said softly, handing both to Jisoo. "Take this. It'll make you feel better."

Jisoo nodded quietly, his eyes never leaving Jeonghan's face. "What happened?" He asked, voice somewhat subdued.

"You drank a little bit too much, I'm afraid. And I'm not talking about water." Jeonghan's tone was tinged with amusement, but the concern in his eyes was evident as he watched Jisoo grimace slightly, before taking the medicine as prompted.

"Gosh, I can't even remember what I drank." Jisoo groaned, flopping back down on the bed as soon as Jeonghan took the glass from him. "How can you like this stuff when it makes you feel like this afterwards?" He complained, throwing a full-lipped pout Jeonghan's way.

~~It was so fucking endearing that Jeonghan wanted to punch him.~~

"I have a higher tolerance, you lightweight." Jeonghan said with a laugh, placing the empty glass back on his desk before moving to sit next to Jisoo again. He didn't even think when he placed his hand against the other boy's cheek, heart stuttering a little when Jisoo moved to press his lips against it, his eyes falling shut.

"You should go back to sleep." Jeonghan spoke softly, gaze never leaving his face. "I won't guarantee you'll feel as good as new upon waking up, but at least you can ignore the pain for a few hours." He joked lightly.

Jisoo was silent for a long moment that Jeonghan thought he already had fallen asleep, but with a startling clarity to his gaze, the other boy opened his eyes and looked at Jeonghan. Just looked.

"Thanks for letting me stay here." Jisoo reached up and caught the ends of Jeonghan's hair, running it lightly through his fingers. Jeonghan swallowed at the action, holding himself perfectly still lest the other boy stop. "Thanks for taking care of me." Jisoo's voice was a little lost and a little vulnerable and the ache in Jeonghan's chest multiplied tenfold.

"Of course. Always." Jeonghan found those words, somehow and Jisoo's mouth curled up in a sad smile upon hearing them - an expression that hit him straight in the gut.

 _Not always, Jeonghan._ His eyes seemed to say. _Not anymore._

But it seemed Jisoo didn't want to think such sad thoughts either, because he let his fingers rest on the back of his neck, touch electric, as he pulled him down lightly. Closer.

"Sleep with me?"

He breathed the words, gaze slightly unfocused. Lips parted.

And Jeonghan was lost.

* * *

He had his arm wrapped around the other boy's waist, his body held flushed against his.

Jisoo's breathing had evened out, and from the little moonlight that filtered through the parted curtains, Jeonghan could see the individual stands of his brown hair, curling softly against his nape.

It was like all the nights they spent together, every single damn one, and yet it felt totally different. Fragile, almost, as if half of it were a dream, so easy to shatter the moment he moved wrong and was sent plummeting back to reality.

A part of him railed at himself for his foolishness, at his naivety, as if all of this meant things were fixed and right and whole. That _he_ was whole, with Jisoo once again by his side.

But in that space between one breath and the next, Jeonghan knew with absolute certainty, that he'd give in to this illusion of happiness - delicate, _brittle_ \- at least for tonight.

He closed his eyes and pressed a kiss against Jisoo's nape, settling more firmly against his side...

...and though he told himself _not_ to think, not to wonder any longer, the question that plagued him all day, every moment since he'd received that terrible, terrible phone call-

-it echoed in his soul.

_Why did you break up with me?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I need to lie down for a moment. 
> 
> ...at least Soonyoung and Seokmin were cute??


	4. Chapter 4

Chan was hurrying to class when he saw him, ducking almost furtively through the crowd, the rim of his snapback pulled low over his eyes. And though he told himself that couldn't be him - that hyung he knew wouldn't look so... _dubious_ , skulking about as he did - still, Chan gave into impulse and called out.

"Jisoo-hyung?"

The figure froze, and slowly, almost reluctantly he turned towards him. Chan had to control his expression so his lips wouldn't fall open in shock. _Be understanding, Chan. Understanding._

"You look horrible, hyung."

Ok, that came out a lot more frank than he intended.

"I mean-" He added hurriedly, seeing how Jisoo smiled rather resignedly at his comment. "-not horrible, just..." Like you had a particularly _interesting_ night last night, but he bit his tongue on such a statement. Jisoo certainly wouldn't approve. "...tired?"

Jisoo rubbing his eyes with his hands only brought home the point. "Yeah. Just got back from an all-nighter." He explained, tone full of innocence. He even clasped his hands together, as if that was supposed to project an image of purity and blamelessness.

Now the thing is, Chan wasn't a suspicious person by nature, but he definitely wasn't _stupid_ (and Jisoo wasn't that gifted an actor, if he were being honest.) "Really? You were studying in the residential part of the campus?" Chan asked doubtfully, glancing back at the line of college dorms behind the elder - the only structures that occupied this part of the school. "I mean, you don't live there so you would have to stay in someone else's room-" He trailed off before his eyes lit up in excitement.

"Were you with Jeonghan-hyung? Are you both back to together?"  
  
Chan knew the moment he messed up when Jisoo's expression shuttered, but then his elder immediately caught himself and tried to force a smile upon his face. "No, Chan. We're not." His voice was gentle, as if he were trying to cushion the blow for the younger boy, when in fact the pain reflected in his own gaze was the one that was far too tangible, there for all to see.

Chan didn't like the finality in Jisoo's tone - as if such a thing were an impossibility, an unrealistic outcome - and just as he opened his mouth and stepped forward to say so, tell him they could ( _would_ ) get back together, Jisoo reached out and clasped him tightly on the shoulder.

"I don't want to talk about this, Chan. Please." Chan almost flinched hearing the way Jisoo's voice cracked on the last word, his composure visibly shaken. "Things between Jeonghan and I..." He swallowed thickly. "...forgive me if I put a cliche to it, but things are complicated." He gave the younger boy a weak smile, as if trying to lighten the mood.

Chan's head bobbed in acquiesce, though he couldn't help but feel put out - his expression a clear giveaway. Jisoo felt his heart twinge in guilt, seeing the younger boy's downcast features, the way his fingers twisted the straps of his backpack. He never wanted to bring his - _their_ \- friends into this entire mess, but he knew it was inevitable. They'd been such an inseparable group for so long, and in many ways these boys have become, without dispute, his true and most precious family.

Jisoo's eyes hooded.

( _family_ , such a loaded word - he couldn't help but smile bitterly.)

"Are you heading to class? You don't want to be late." It was a clear cop out on Jisoo's part, but thankfully Chan didn't press the matter.

"I'll be on my way then, hyung." Jisoo nodded somewhat distractedly at his reply - his gaze already somewhere far ahead, his thoughts even a greater distance - when he felt a pair of arms wrap around him, a little 'oof' escaping his lips in surprise.

"See you, hyung." Chan's voice was muffled against his chest, and Jisoo's heart stuttered from the sweetness of the gesture. Before he could reciprocate however, Chan had already dashed away, his voice clear and youthful as he yelled. "Bye hyuuuung, I love youuuuuu~"

Jisoo hadn't felt a smile that genuine in a long time.

* * *

While his encounter with Chan, at least the last part of it, put a small grin on his face - it slowly began to falter as he walked, step by step up his apartment staircase.

Jihoon was going to _kill_ him.

(no kill seemed too far kind a word right now - he was going to _eviscerate_ him.)

Jisoo took his time slipping his key into the lock, turning it with incremental movements of his hand. He gave the same care to pushing open the door, wincing when it let out a soft creak - Jihoon was attuned to the smallest of noises, which one of the reasons why he chose the soft-spoken and even-tempered Jisoo as his roommate in the first place.

"Jisoo-hyung?" Jisoo sighed, hearing the younger call out to him. Of course Jihoon would hear him coming in - he shouldn't have even tried to be secretive about it. Pushing the door open fully, Jisoo stepped into the apartment, meeting Jihoon's pointed stare with a weak smile.

"How are you, Jihoon-ah?" He tried to inject some false cheerfulness into his tone. "Already up and about I see." He threw in a jovial hand wave for effect.

From the expression in the younger boy's face though, he was having none of it.

"You didn't come home last night, hyung." It was delivered as a statement, without any room for explanations or excuses (not that Jisoo had any anyway, but some wiggle room would have been nice.)

Still, Jisoo sighed inwardly - sometimes, he wondered if he should remind Jihoon that in fact _he_ was the hyung in the situation, but he'd never been comfortable holding his age over all the younger people in their group, preferring to be seen as a peer rather than a senior. Hansol had said it was more of an American thing, and even some mindsets Jisoo couldn't shake.

"Soonyoung needed my help with something." It was as vague as he could get while still remaining truthful. At least no one could ever accuse Hong Jisoo of telling tall tales, even if they were for his benefit (or in this case, his continued time on this earth - if Jihoon's expression was anything to go by.)

"I see." So much meaning in those two words, the younger's change in inflection. "So you decided to stay in Soonyoung and Wonwoo's place last night?" Jisoo could tell Jihoon was going somewhere with this question, but for the life of him he couldn't figure it out - so all he did was slowly nod and brace himself for the inevitable.

"Interesting. Too bad we didn't see each other there, _since I decided to have dinner with Wonwoo and Mingyu last night_." Jihoon's tone was utterly casual, but still to Jisoo it felt like he hammered a nail home with each word.

Jisoo felt his face turn bright red, having been caught in a lie. Already, stammered apologies were at the tip of his tongue, when Jihoon spoke once more.

"You were with Jeonghan-hyung, weren't you?"

Jisoo's utterly miserable expression confirmed it, and Jihoon let out a noisy exhale of frustration. "I thought we already talked about this, hyung." He spoke severely, a scowl on his face and arms crossed over his chest. (it should have helped Jisoo that Jihoon was currently dressed in a fluffy purple sweater and was several centimeters shorter than him, yet those facts didn't detract one bit from his dongsaeng's scariness.)

"I didn't go looking for him-" Jisoo tried to defend himself. "-it's just one thing led to another, and by no choice or doing of _my own_ -" Something he couldn't help but emphasize. "-I ended up spending the night at his place."

(he didn't tell, _couldn't_ tell Jihoon, that despite being terribly hungover that morning, waking up next to Jeonghan, as if nothing had changed between them, was one of the best things that had happened to him in recent memory.)

Jisoo bit his lip, avoiding Jihoon's gaze as if the younger could suddenly read his thoughts.

"Do we have to talk about this now? I don't feel well, Jihoon-ah." Jihoon's brow furrowed, and for the first time he noted the signs of tiredness in his elder's expression - the tight lines and shadows that outlined his features. Jihoon felt his heart start guiltily, but he promised himself that he would remain firm, steadfast. They had to talk about this sooner or later, and with the way things were going it seemed another intervention was in order, and quickly.

"I know, hyung - it's hard to talk about these things." Jihoon's tone had gentled somewhat, but his gaze remained perfectly serious. "But you can't keep doing this, interacting with Jeonghan this way, as if he's still your boyfriend, if you don't plan to get back together. It's not fair to him, and it's not fair to you."

"I don't-" Jisoo began, but Jihoon quickly cut him off.

"Don't what, hyung? Still have his number saved in your phone 'in case of emergencies'? Ask Seungcheol for weekly updates to see how Jeonghan is doing in his classes? Drop everything and go to him in the middle of the night when he needs your help?" Jisoo felt himself falter with each accusation, though Jihoon didn't say his words with any real bite.

"It's been two months, hyung." Jihoon reminded him softly, his eyes filled with concern. "And while I don't expect you to move on in such a short time, it's as if you don't even _try_."

At that, Jisoo let out a strangled laugh.

"I'm trying Jihoon. Oh god, you cannot imagine how _hard_ I'm trying." Jisoo's voice was uncharacteristically desperate, his fingers raking agitatedly through his hair. "I know I was the one who broke up with Jeonghan, I know I was the one who ended things between us and messed it all up, and yet with every breath left in me I can say for certain that I still-" He caught himself just in time, the words, such large, encompassing words, ending up stuck in the middle of his throat.

From the somber look in Jihoon's eyes, he knew already what Jisoo left unsaid.

_-I still love him._

(of course I do.)

_I still honest to god love him._

"I don't know if I can stop, Jihoon." Jisoo suddenly choked out, wringing his hands. "I don't know if I'll ever get over him, if I'll ever not see him and just simply want to be with him. I don't think I'm capable of letting him go, but I have _no damn choice_ -" His words became a flood, a torrent, and Jihoon, by then in a panic, didn't know what to do in such face of overwhelming emotion...

...so he gave into instinct simply reached out and wrapped his arms around him, making useless shushing noises as if that could assuage the pain the other boy felt in his chest, a vise around his heart.

"I'm sorry, Jisoo-hyung." Such inadequate words. Such fucking inadequate words. "I'm so so sorry." And inside, Jihoon railed at the circumstances, at the hand that had forced his hyung into a corner with no other visible way out. Trapped. Caged.

(some part of him wanted them to see, firsthand, how much they'd broken him, the one thing they were supposed to love above all else.) 

 And though Jihoon never believed in such things, not for himself, not for his future...

...he desperately prayed, at that moment, that things would go well for them both.

_Please._

* * *

Part of Jisoo still couldn't believe he broke down in such a way; never did he realize how utterly _breakable_ he was, not until that moment. He had to give his thanks to Jihoon, who'd successfully calmed him down and brought him to his room (like a child, he couldn't help but think, but by that point he was too far gone to care), advising in a soft soothing voice that he should take some time to rest.

While Jisoo knew he only got a momentary reprieve from their inevitable talk, he was grateful all the same as he sank down onto his bed with a tired groan and tried to fall asleep.

Except sleep, as exhausted as he was, wouldn't come.

And the reason it eluded him?

_Silky hair fisted in his hands, a candy-flavored embrace, strong arms around his waist and fingers tugging incessantly at belt loops._

_Laughter, both slow and rushed, out loud and in whispers. A glow to their shared expressions and secretive smiles, eclipsing any other moment._

_Conversations that went no where and everywhere, into the wee hours of the morning, that the sound of each other's voices became the lullaby they fell asleep to and the first thing they heard when they woke up._

Could he call such things memories? They were more of sensations really, things etched into his skin more than floating around in his head, as tangible as a touch but as elusive as a half-awake dream.

Jisoo almost chucked at the poetic direction of his thoughts - perhaps melancholy did breed creativity, someway, somehow. Stretching his arms overhead, he already knew no matter how tired his body was, his mind was far too awake and lucid - and ready to wander wherever, about whomever.

Though it was clear from his initial musings alone who occupied the forefront of his mind.

...

_Once, on a whim, he told Jeonghan he had a weird laugh._

_"It's sort of nasally." Jisoo explained, unperturbed by his boyfriend's offended expression. "And loud. Exceedingly so. From the volume alone, I can tell how far you are from me, or if you're just around the corner." His tone turned teasing, and Jeonghan's pout if possible deepened even more._

_"That's horrible, Jisoo." He whined, latching onto his arm and tugging at it. Jisoo's gaze was filled with amusement as he took in Jeonghan's petulant expression. "I don't have a weird laugh. Take it back."_

_"Hey, I didn't say I didn't like it." Jisoo pointed out, laughing softly when Jeonghan rolled his eyes._

_"You said it was weird, and that immediately implies you don't like it." The blonde said accusingly. "That is, unless-" Jeonghan squinted his eyes at him, to gauge his reaction. "-you're lying just to get a rise out of me."_

_"Nope." Jisoo spoke cheerfully, keeping Jeonghan by his side with a firm arm around his waist, already predicting the other boy was going to huff and move away at his statement. "It's weird, and sometimes inappropriate, but it's also one of the things that are unique about you, one of the many things-" Jisoo paused, his voice going soft, shy._

_" -that I love about you."_

_Jeonghan gaped openly at him, rendered speechless for a few moments. Jisoo in turn worried at his lip, waiting somewhat nervously for his reply. Had he gone too far, too fast?_

_" **That's** the first time you're going to use the word love with me?" The blonde asked in disbelief. "After you say I have a weird laugh?"_

_Jisoo let out a light snort, his hand going up to cover his mouth mid-laugh. Jeonghan didn't look as amused as he, but Jisoo could detect the small twinkle in the other boy's eyes._

_"Yes, is that a problem?" Jisoo grinned cheekily, his eyes crinkling up in the corners, and when Jeonghan wrinkled his nose in reply Jisoo couldn't help but lean forward and plant a small kiss on its tip._

...

_Jeonghan groaned, throwing himself on Jisoo's bed as soon as he entered the other boy's room, immediately burying himself in the thick covers. "I'm sooo tired!" He complained, twisting so he lay on his back, causing the blanket to wrap snugly around his frame. "Why am I so tired?" It was clearly a rhetorical question, yet still Jisoo answered automatically._

_"I don't know. Life? School? People?" Jisoo spoke absentmindedly from his position at his desk, his eyes fixated on the screen of his laptop. His fingers flew across the keys as he typed out his latest essay (one in a long string of tiring assignments), the familiar movement of his hands enough to keep his lids from sliding shut._

_Somewhat._

_Jisoo blinked blearily, trying to ignore the beginnings of a headache at his temples._

_"Aren't you tired?" Jeonghan asked pointedly, moving up slightly so he leaned on his elbows, his gaze trained on the other boy's back. All he received in return however was a light shrug, Jisoo not even turning his head to look at him._

_"Jisoo. Don't ignore me." Jeonghan said loudly, his previous claims of tiredness gone as he devoted his full attention to his boyfriend. "How long have you been at that report?" Jisoo made a noncommittal sound (though his mind said - hours, days, weeks, who pays attention at this point), and before he knew it a familiar pair of arms wrapped around his neck, Jeonghan's voice so close to his ear making him flush._

_"Come rest with me, Jisoo." He spoke softly, settling his chin comfortably on his shoulder. "Just a few minutes - clear your head for a bit." He cajoled, squeezing Jisoo's shoulders gently._

_Jisoo felt the tenseness of his body melt with Jeonghan's mere proximity, though he didn't tell him that - it would negate his next point._

_"I'm fine, Jeonghan. I have to finish." Yet despite his words, he didn't pull away from the other boy's embrace and Jeonghan knew his boyfriend well enough that he only had to wait a few seconds..._

_Three._

_Two._

_One._

_"Fine." Jisoo acquiesced, and Jeonghan bit back a smile. "Just for a few minutes." He said, allowing Jeonghan to draw him from the chair and towards the bed. "Okay, Jeonghan? I have to get my work done." Jisoo spoke anxiously._

_"Just for a few minutes." Jeonghan reassured him, before pulling him down onto the bed and snuggling up comfortably at his side. "Just a few minutes." He repeated again, this time softer._

_In the end, a few minutes had turned into a good hour, but when Jisoo woke up with Jeonghan's body curled up around his, he had nothing truly to complain._

...

_He could see the panic in Jihoon's eyes as the younger boy crouched before him backstage, and though he wanted to say he was ok, say he was completely fine, he couldn't stop his frantic breathing long enough to reassure his dongsaeng._

_I'm having a panic attack - some detached part of him registered. I'm actually having a panic attack. It was Jisoo's last coherent thought, his rationality drowned out by the telltale roaring in his ears._

_His fingers clenched spasmodically, the strings of his guitar digging into the soft skin of his palms. How could he feel everything at once, yet perceive nothing at all - he couldn't say. The cold sweat that broke out on his brow, the solid hammering of his pulse at his throat, the way the room seemed to swirl dizzily across his vision..._

_...Then **his** face, his familiar features and hands reaching out to cup his cheeks, forcing him to look at him, though for some unfathomable reason his touch remained infinitely gentle._

_"Jisoo." Jeonghan whispered softly, his voice an anchor. A lodestone._

_"Breathe, Jisoo, breathe. I'm here."_

...

Jisoo groaned and flipped onto his stomach, burying his face into his pillow. So many memories flashed across his mind, bits and snippets of all their years together, and he didn't know whether what feeling was more acute - the tenderness each moment brought, or the heartache they inspired when he thought they'd never happen again.

He pressed the heels of his hands onto his lids, his breathing going ragged.

Jeonghan had become such an essential part of his life, such an immutable part of his existence, that sometimes he forgot that he wasn't supposed to call him anymore, wasn't supposed to talk to him anymore. Wasn't supposed to spend every moment with his face hovering at the back of his mind, his sweet cadence echoing in the shell of his ear.

All imaginings, nothing more, but Jisoo knew without a doubt that every detail was accurate, down to the smallest freckle and most indistinguishable inflection.

He'd never loved anyone else, after all.

(if only they understood.) 

* * *

Jeonghan was quiet, too quiet, and Seungkwan was clearly the most flummoxed by his silence as he tried desperately to draw their elder into some semblance of conversation.

"Do you have any plans for today, hyung?" Seungkwan asked, gaze intent on the blonde's face. Jeonghan merely shrugged lightly in reply, continuing his apparently _fascinating_ exchange with the (already cold) food in front of him.

Hansol and Chan couldn't help but exchange a glance.

"So what did you do last night, hyung?" Hansol eventually ventured, and that surprisingly enough got a reaction. Jeonghan's gaze snapped to the younger, _glaring_ almost as he regarded him, before he want back to picking at his half-eaten meal. "Nothing. I was alone in my room." Jeonghan muttered, tone somewhat sulky.

Now, it was all three boys exchanging furtive glances.

"Really?" Chan piped up, feeling his nerves act up from what he was going to do...but hell, he was going to do it anyway. "Are you sure you were alone last night? Then it's just a coincidence that I saw Jisoo-hyung this morning, coming from the direction of your dorms?" Chan's expression was entirely innocent, Seungkwan and Hansol's were shocked, and Jeonghan's...

...Chan's swallowed. It was a touch murderous.

"Are you implying anything, Chan?" Jeonghan asked silkily, and from behind him Seungkwan and Hansol were waving at him frantically, miming that he should stop or he'd most likely expire from their hyung's wrath. Ignoring his friends, Chan forged on bravely, ~~though he was already mentally preparing a list of things he'd like to take with him to his next life.~~

"Nothing hyung. I was just asking if you happened to encounter Jisoo-hyung in the area. Last night. Just wandering about. Or perhaps he was visiting _someone_ else..."

Unfortunately for Jeonghan, Chan knew exactly how to push his buttons after all their years of friendship, because he predicted immediately what his elder would say even before he spat it out, eyes flashing. "Jisoo wasn't with anyone last night _but me_."

And it only hit Jeonghan that he committed a grave mistake when Seungkwan let out a barely concealed, high-pitched squeal.

"I'm sorry, hyung." Seungkwan apologized immediately, seeing the way Jeonghan groaned and buried his face in his arms. "I shouldn't have done that." Seungkwan then schooled his expression accordingly, but from the way he squirmed in his seat next to him Hansol knew the other boy wouldn't be able to hold it in any longer...

"...No - I take that back. I'm not sorry." Hansol almost sighed - _I knew it._ "Rather, I'm curious. What exactly do you mean by Jisoo-hyung being with no one else last night but you?" Seungkwan leaned forward, gaze expectant, Hansol struggled to hide his own curiosity, and Chan's expression hovered between anticipation and apprehension at his hyung's answer. 

(he was right to be afraid. Jeonghan was going to kill his dongsaengs.)

"He got drunk. I happened to be there. I took care of him." Jeonghan spoke, voice clipped, knowing he'd have to give them something or they wouldn't back off. "Happy?" He arched a brow, looking at each boy pointedly.

"Not at all." They chorused in unison, an act that had Jeonghan rolling his eyes slightly, though his irritation with them had softened somewhat (rarely could he hold onto his temper in regards to these three.) _Which they probably already knew_ , Jeonghan thought sourly, if their growing boldness was any indication.

"Jisoo-hyung got drunk last night-" 

"And you just happened to be the one to find him-"

"And he ended staying the night-"

They all spoke at once, though they were exclaimations more than questions really, so Jeonghan didn't feel the need to reply (not that he wanted to), until one cut out clearly, distinctively through the din. 

"Does this mean you're getting back together, hyung?" Seungkwan's voice was uncharacteristically soft as he said this, his words utterly tentative though hopeful.

(so incredibly, incredibly hopeful that Jeonghan felt it like a knife twisting in his gut.)

"No." He didn't know how a single word could have so much gravity, but the heaviness it lent to the air seemed almost palpable, a true weight on his shoulders. "No, it doesn't."

There was a few, seemingly endless moments of silence after that, where Jeonghan did his best not to look at the three of them, knowing for certain that he'd break down if he did. Some part of him wanted them to leave him alone, so he could wallow miserably in his own thoughts, but the other part of him wanted to beg them to stay, as if they could give him strength where pitifully he had none.

"Jeonghan-hyung." There was something about Seungkwan's tone then that even his elder couldn't ignore, and when his eyes met that of his dongsaeng's across from him he realized it was the first time he'd ever seen Seungkwan look so perfectly and utterly serious. "Hyung, I know you don't want to talk about it...but I truly think the question needs asking."

Seungkwan took a deep breath, looking briefly at Hansol and Chan for their support, before asking, his voice pitched low - almost a murmur, really.

"How did you and Jisoo-hyung break up?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...please don't kill me for the cliffhanger. 
> 
> *offers you happy Jihan moments/memories in exchange* 
> 
> (Amidst all the angst...but it still counts right? Somewhat?) 
> 
> Eep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usually I'd put flashbacks in italics, but since this is one angst-filled flashback...well...

Jisoo hummed softly to himself, his movements utterly relaxed, unhurried as he moved from one side of his room to the other, collecting all the things he needed to pack for his trip. Jeonghan watched him lazily from his bed, the extent of his help pointing out all the things Jisoo missed and questioning (loudly) all his fashion choices - which was met with an exasperated, if somewhat amused look from his boyfriend.

“I thought you were here to help me pack.” Jisoo pointed out dryly, sitting on the edge of his bed and tugging at the other boy’s bare ankle, beneath the cuff of his jeans. “C’mon, I need someone to help fold my sweaters.” He spoke cajolingly.

“Wow, such an enticing offer.” Jeonghan spoke dryly, watching Jisoo through half-lidded eyes. “And as fun as that sounds, I’m afraid I’m having a love affair with your bed at the moment.” He spoke teasingly, wrapping his arms around one of Jisoo’s criminally fluffy pillows. “So I’d rather you go about your business and leave us alone for a while.” He ended his statement with a wink.

“Flirt.” Jisoo said amusedly, his lips quirking at the corners, but he made little fuss and went back to the task at hand. Unconsciously, he began humming the song he was just singing - one of the newest ones Jihoon had been working on - and he couldn’t help but throw a grin over his shoulder when he heard Jeonghan join him, his voice soft but confident.

“Jihoon writes the best songs, but don’t tell him I said that.” Jeonghan spoke when the pair finished (with an added trill at the end that made them both share a smile) leaning up onto one elbow to fully enjoy the sight of his boyfriend bending forward to place his newly folded clothes into his suitcase.

“Hey, Jisoo~” He called out, drawing out the other boy’s name in a light, sing song manner, though his next words were anything but. “How long are you going to stay over there again?” He tried for casual, Jisoo could tell he did, but they’d been together too long for him not to recognise the nuances in his boyfriend’s voice.

Jisoo’s hands stilled, and he sat back on his heels to glance back at Jeonghan. 

“It’s only going to be two months, Hannie.” He said gently, using the nickname Jeonghan hated but Jisoo secretly loved. “Plus, it’s summer so you’ll be so busy having fun with everyone else you won’t even notice I’m gone.” He spoke teasingly, earning a glare from the blonde-haired boy.

“I’m being serious here Jisoo, but it seems you don’t feel the same way, so why should I bother?” Jeonghan huffed and fell back onto the pillows, mouth folding into a petulant line, and Jisoo had to press a hand to his lips to stifle his laughter.

He’d always had a soft spot for sulky Jeonghan.

“Hey, hey, c’mon. It should go without saying that I’d miss you. I just said all that to make you feel better.” Jisoo stood and walked over, crawling onto the bed next to his boyfriend. At his approach, Jeonghan rolled over and turned his back on him, though he made sure to throw a pout in his direction before he did.

Jisoo bit back a grin, before lying on his side and wrapping his arm around the blonde’s waist, burying his face into the curve of his exposed nape, breathing softly.

Jeonghan suppressed a shiver.

“It’ll be over before you know it, Hannie.” Jisoo whispered softly. A promise.

“It’ll be over before you know it.”

* * *

Daily video calls at ungodly hours had become their thing, much to the annoyance of all their friends.

“Yah, everyone shut up Jisoo’s calling!” Jeonghan snapped, sending a glare in their general direction, before pulling his laptop towards him and pressing the ‘answer call’ button eagerly, just as Jisoo taught him.

“Good evening, angel-” Jeonghan bit back a grin, listening to their friends’ collective groans from behind him. “-and good evening to all of you too!” Jisoo called out, mirroring the blonde’s smile, and though his face was slightly grainy the mere sight of it was enough to make Jeonghan’s heart settle.

“How’s L.A., Jisoo?” Seungcheol ambled up to the table, leaning over Jeonghan’s shoulder and peering at the screen. “Did you already find someone to replace this guy over here?” He and Jisoo shared a laugh when Jeonghan turned to Seungcheol in a huff, slapping his arm for good measure.

“L.A.’s fine, and of course I didn’t find anyone - no one can replace Jeonghannie.” Jisoo spoke easily, a statement that was met with another set of groans and a muttered ‘disgusting’ from one Lee Jihoon.

“Thank you for being supportive of our love, and I hope you all are taking care of yourselves over there!” Though Jisoo addressed the entire group, he was looking at Jeonghan as he said this, and the blonde wanted nothing more than press his fingers against the screen and actually feel his boyfriend’s cheek against his hand.

“I hope you remember my shopping list while you’re over there.” Jeonghan spoke lightly, past the growing lump in his throat. “And that doesn’t mean you’re exempt from buying me a gift of your own.” His tone was teasing however, and he watched Jisoo’s lips curve up at the corners, eyes twinkling.

(yes, even if it was through a computer screen, he swore to the heavens above that his boyfriend’s eyes twinkled.)

“Yes, yes.” Jisoo spoke amused. “How could I forget with all your constant reminders every second of every day?” Then he tilted his head and smiled and still after all these years Jeonghan felt something in his heart flutter.

The rest of their conversation consisted of summarized accounts of their own days (with random interruptions from the other boys who had their own experiences to share), interspersed with soft declarations of ‘I miss you’, ‘I miss you too’, and ’I miss you more’ that had their friends collapsing dramatically from their gag-inducing cheesiness.

“Alright, alright. I think we’ve had enough of you two.” Seungcheol said dryly, walking up and patting Jeonghan on the shoulder. “For the record Jisoo,” He continued, leaning towards the screen as he addressed the brunette. “Jeonghan misses you, in case that wasn’t clear enough.”

This time, Jeonghan flicked Seungcheol at the temple and Jisoo stifled his laughter behind his hand.

* * *

Their next call happened three days later, odd for the couple’s standards, but Jeonghan put it down to Jisoo being busy with family events.

“Good morning…Rather, good evening Jisoo-ah.” Jeonghan sang as he slid his laptop closer to him, grinning happily at the sight of the other boy on the screen. “Well, someone looks like he had an extremely busy day. Are you tired, sweetheart?” His tone was laced with affection and a hint of concern, as he took note of the shadows under the brunette’s eyes, how his expression was drawn in tight, strained lines.

Jisoo rubbed self-consciously at his face. “Is it that obvious?” He asked with a light laugh, but Jeonghan’s brow furrowed when it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m afraid today-” Jisoo’s face clouded for a moment so brief Jeonghan thought he imagined it. “-was _eventful_ , to say the least.” The brunette spoke with a wry tone to his voice.

“Would it make you feel better to talk about it?” Jeonghan prompted gently, trying to not let his own worry show. “I’d offer something else to cheer you up, but sadly there’s only so much we can do with a video camera.” The blonde waggled his eyebrows suggestively and exactly as he predicted, Jisoo burst into silent laughter, his hand going up to cover his mouth.

“No, no I don’t want to trouble you.” Jisoo shook his head, grin fading, his hand falling limply to his side. “It’s nothing, really.” He added, clearly seeing Jeonghan’s doubtful look. “It’s just…family stuff.” He continued, tone vague and Jeonghan didn’t know whether to feel more alarmed or just let the issue slide (at least for now.)

“Well then I hope everyone in your family is ok.” Jeonghan’s voice was soft, soothing but instead of making things better as he thought it would, there was something in Jisoo’s face, in his eyes that _shattered_ -

-and yet it lasted for only a heartbeat, for when Jeonghan leaned forward, palms pressed against the table, Jisoo’s expression was calm once more, if still a bit exhausted.

“They’re fine.” A paltry (perhaps even curt) summation, and despite his misgivings Jeonghan chose not to press - Jisoo was tired enough as it is. “I guess I should elaborate, but I’d much rather hear about your day, Hannie.” Jisoo’s tone was laced with affection, and when he looked at Jeonghan that way - his gaze soft but focused, and head tilted ever so slightly…

…There was little the blonde could deny him.

* * *

“I got into an argument with my parents.”

Jeonghan looked up in surprise, taken aback by the abruptness of Jisoo’s statement. The other boy had averted his gaze as soon as he said it, his teeth gnawing endlessly at his lip, his fingers running agitatedly through his hair. From those actions alone, Jeonghan already knew he had to tread carefully, lest Jisoo shut down completely and decide to brush it all aside.

He was after all intimately familiar with how his boyfriend preferred to bottle such negative feelings up.

“What about, Jisoo?” Jeonghan prompted gently, shifting in his seat so he faced the screen fully. “What did you guys talk about?”

“Me.” Jisoo’s answer was uncharacteristically short, clipped. “My major. Living in Seoul.” He shrugged as if it was nothing, but the movement was jerking, and Jeonghan wanted nothing more than to soothe the tense lines of the other boy’s face with his hands.

“I know they never really approved but-” Jisoo was clearly struggling with his words, his eyes somewhat hooded. “-but I thought they’d already began to see me as an individual capable of making his own choices.”

“I’m sure they do, Jisoo.” Jeonghan softened his tone even more, still uncertain on how to approach the situation. “If you explain it to them…”

“I have, so many times-” Jisoo interrupted him, his tone uncharacteristically sharp. “-but it’s like talking to a _brick wall_ , Jeonghan. They’re too fucking set in their ways.” Jeonghan felt his widen slightly, so unused to hearing a curse fall from his boyfriend’s lips. “They think they can run my life, dictate what I can do, who I can be, who I can lo-”

Jisoo stopped abruptly, and Jeonghan felt his chest constrict when his imagination tried to fill in the next part of his statement.

“Jisoo-” Jeonghan began, heart in his mouth. “-what else did you talk about with them?”

 _You._ That word, the truth laid between them, heavy and unsaid, and Jeonghan didn’t know what Jisoo saw in his eyes - the few seconds their gazes clashed seemingly endless - but the brunette’s voice became far more subdued as he spoke again.

“Nothing Jeonghan. There was nothing else.”

_Lies._

Some part of Jeonghan wanted to push, to shatter the flimsy illusion Jisoo tried to put up (he knew, achingly, that it was his boyfriend’s misguided attempt to protect his feelings), but any sort of bravery that he had in his heart shrivelled up at the thought of hearing **those** words, words echoed on others’ tongues so many times before, leave Jisoo’s lips-

_Uneven. Mismatched. Undeserving._

-so Jeonghan found himself merely nodding quietly in reply.

“Alright, Jisoo.” He spoke, his voice trembling slightly.

“I believe you.”

* * *

Jeonghan was the one who called him first the next time, his fingers shaking as he pressed the keys, trying his hardest to stifle the sobs that caught painfully in his throat.

“Jisoo.” Jeonghan spoke his name in a hoarse whisper, eyes glassy, the unspoken wish for the other boy’s presence written on his every feature. “Jisoo-ah.”

“Hannie.” The panic was clear in Jisoo’s expression and Jeonghan watched as he reached out with his hand, helplessly, his fingers pressing against the screen. “Hannie, what happened? Are you alright?” He asked urgently.

“God, this is so stupid.” Now that he saw him, heard his voice, Jeonghan felt ashamed of his panic, of his inability to deal with things on his own. “It’s just…I just…” His throat hitched and he watched as Jisoo’s fingers clenched themselves into fists, and he knew the other boy dug hard enough to leave marks on his palms.

“Tell me, Jeonghan.” His tone was soft, but the command in them was clear. Jeonghan knew he was on the edge of his sanity already when that made him laugh, abruptly, before he once again he dissolved into a snivelling mess. “Jeonghan.” Jisoo’s voice was even more emphatic. 

(he did not know when that started to happen, that whenever Jisoo said his name it felt a little like coming home.)

“I failed my class. _Again_ , Jisoo.” Jeonghan mumbled, burying his face in hands, unable to bear the look on the other boy’s face. There were a pregnant pause, and the blonde felt his shoulders tense from Jisoo’s silence. His unbearable, unbearable silence. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He tried to fill in the dead air, and that seemed to snap the other boy back to present time, if his fierce reply were any indication.

“You don’t have to say sorry to me Jeonghan. Not for that.” He heard Jisoo let out a frustrated sigh, and he felt somewhat brave enough to peek through his fingers, looking at his boyfriend quietly. “It’s terrible, I know, and I wish I could be there with you right now to…to…” Jisoo shook his head as he struggled with his words, and Jeonghan couldn’t help but let out a watery chuckle. 

“To kiss me and make me feel better?” He asked lightly, though his voice still trembled at the end. Jisoo snorted at that, rolling his eyes in reply but the affection in them was evident and when he pressed his fingers to the screen once more Jeonghan gave into impulse and leaned forward to press his lips against them.

“Come home soon, Jisoo-ah.” They’d tiptoed around that statement for days, but Jeonghan felt too vulnerable now to hide his feelings. “Come home safely.”

“I will, Jeonghan.” His gaze was soft as he said this. “I’ll see you soon.” 

* * *

The moment they ended the conversation, Jeonghan’s feelings of helplessness seemed to overwhelm him again as he stared blankly at the dark screen. He had the foolish impulse to call to Jisoo again, just to hear his voice, and in that desire he couldn’t help but feel shame for his over-reliance on one person.

He was stronger than this. Or he tried to be. 

Still, the face of his professor continued to play in his head - the disappointment that he couldn’t help but show in his expression as he handed Jeonghan his paper. His urge to crumple it in his fist then was so strong, but at the same time he was too frozen to even move.

He tried his damn hardest. Or he thought he did.

 _It was better when Jisoo was here._ The thought came suddenly, and with a touch of resentment that shocked him to the core. But then again, he would have pushed Jeonghan to study more, tutored him even though their courses were in different fields. Jisoo had a way of grasping concepts easily that Jeonghan couldn’t even begin to fathom, but usually he didn’t mind when the other boy explained them all to him with such damn, never-ending patience. 

Jeonghan lifted his knees up to his chest and curled into himself, giving in for a moment and wallowing in his own self-pity. He hated when he became like this, so caught up in his thoughts and in his problems that it felt a little bit like drowning.

In a way, Jisoo had become his lifeline over the years - the other boy had learned how and when to tug Jeonghan back when he wandered in too far and too deep. But now with him so far away, his sanity felt like a fraying rope teethed to a post poised to break.

Jeonghan gnawed at his lip, rubbing at the bare skin of his arms, his toes curling at the edge of his seat.

Fuck, he needed to get out of here.

One phone call later, Jeonghan had convinced Seungcheol, Junhui, and Mingyu to meet up with him, and half-way down the hall he wondered if alcohol could truly chase away the bitter taste on his tongue.

* * *

Jeonghan heard a voice against his ear, though his head felt too heavy for him to lift at that moment to acknowledge it. Everything felt too damn heavy.

“Jeong-jeonghan. Are-are yo-you the-re?”

Choppy signal, the blonde registered blearily, though his eyelids refused to open for him to see where the call was coming from. He contemplated for a moment if he should make some attempt at answering, but the sharp throb in his temples negated that idea quickly. Besides, he was quite certain the person would give up eventually when Jeonghan failed to respond…

“I ca-n see-see yo-you, Jeonghan-han!” The boy groaned, the sound tearing painfully from his sore throat. He just wanted to rest, dammit! Why couldn’t this person leave him alone?

“Go away.” Jeonghan muttered, his voice slightly raspy. “It hurts to move.”

 _To breathe. To think, even._  

“Are-e you hu-hungover?” Disbelief was clear in the other person’s tone, and Jeonghan, his nerves already shot by the events of the previous day, replied back snarkily though his words slurred at the end. 

“So what if I am, huh? **Fuck you**.”

There was a moment of blessed silence, and Jeonghan thanked the heavens that the other person had finally given up. Then he registered, though barely, a murmur of voices, low and indecipherable, but slowly growing louder in intensity.

“Is that-at him, Ji-soo-o?”

“You do-don’t understan-stand, eomma-a.”

“Yah! I can’t be-believe this! It-it’s you who doesn’t understa-”

“Jisoo?” Jeonghan murmured, the name triggering a flood of awareness. “Jisoo!” He called out, much louder, his voice caught between excitement and desperation, longing a true ache in his throat…

…and the piercing sound of the call ending was his only answer.

* * *

It had been one week.

One week of staring at his screen of his computer, agonizing over what he should do, what he could do to fix the mess of the situation. One week of sleepless nights, as he tossed and turned in his bed, his mind mocking him with endless, endless replays of what had happened. One week of missing Jisoo so much it hurt like a physical wound, but at the same time fearing the moment when they’d finally talk.

Jeonghan twisted the ends of his ponytail, his eyes flickering to Jisoo’s contact name once more and the small arrow poised above it. Some part of him wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the situation, how he used to complain that all their conversations lately were too short, too damn short, and now even the thought of calling Jisoo up seemed to turn over his already queasy stomach.

 _You can do this, Yoon Jeonghan_. Still, his hands remained fisted in the soft fabric of his pants. _Come on, you_ ** _need_** _to do this_. He couldn’t believe how much effort it took, his pulse hammering in throat, when he reached out to lightly tap the key on his laptop.

Jisoo’s picture, a shot Jeonghan took of him with his phone when he wasn’t looking - one where he was curled up in the corner of his couch, his expression adorably soft as he reread one of his favorite books - magnified on the screen.

_Calling Hong Jisoo. Calling Hong Jisoo._

Jeonghan’s eyes traced each letter as it flashed on screen, before he looked at Jisoo’s picture once more - the perfect (at least in his opinion) slope of his nose, the shallow flick of his pink upper lip, the round jut of his chin…

He didn’t know how long his gaze remained fixated onto the screen, the only sound echoing in the apartment his soft breathing and the endless ringing of his laptop. And though he told himself it was best to speak with Jisoo now, to get things over with, he couldn’t help the relief spreading through his limbs as still no one answered, concluding that Jisoo wasn’t probably online right now…

…then the telltale click, and a face drawn in too familiar lines appeared in his vision.

“Jeonghan.”

Just his name. He just said his name, but his inflection carried a wealth of meaning one could only discern from being with someone for so, so long. Jeonghan felt his insides shrivel, at the purposely neutral look his boyfriend gave him, all his words (not that he had many in the first place) dying on his tongue. 

“Jisoo.” His voice was so pitifully small.

“I’m sorry.”

A sharp, frustrated exhale met his words.

“Jisoo.” Jeonghan’s nails dug into his palms. “What happened?” His throat bobbed. “After?”

Never had Jeonghan seen Jisoo’s expression freeze over so quickly, never had he seen Jisoo’s eyes become so hard.

“Why, Jeonghan? Of all days.” He asked instead of answered, raking his fingers through his hair, the frustration on his face clear. “I mean, _I know_ you didn’t do it on purpose but to think that was the first thing she ever saw of you-” Jeonghan felt himself shrink down into his seat at the perceived censure in his tone, tucking his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. 

“I’m not blaming you, Jeonghan, if that’s what you’re thinking.” The abruptness of this statement made Jeonghan’s eyes flicker upwards with a start. Jisoo must have read his body language, the self-incrimination written in every curve of his posture. “It’s not your fault, it’s just that-” Jisoo let out a loud breath from between pursed lips. “-it was such _bad, bad timing_.” 

Jisoo slumped forward, as if those words were the only thing holding him up, and it was instinctive for Jeonghan to learn towards him, his arms reaching out only to realize at the last second he couldn’t be there to grasp his shoulders, to steady him as he had many times before. 

Jisoo was quiet for a long time, so long that Jeonghan wondered if something when wrong with his connection - and then, in a voice so soft it _couldn’t_ have echoed throughout his apartment, resonated in his ears (and yet to him it did), Jisoo spoke.

“I want to go home, Jeonghan.” There was an uncharacteristic cry to his tone that Jeonghan couldn’t even begin to comprehend, a desperation that stirred painful doubts in the blonde’s heart. “I want to go home. I want to see you.” Jisoo’s voice caught. 

The effort it took for Jeonghan to remain calm, to not let his own feelings take ahold and overwhelm him, was evident in the deep marks his nails scored on the soft palms of his hand.

“Two more weeks to go, right Jisoo?” Jeonghan tried for lightheartedness, speaking past the lump in his throat. “I’ll see you in two weeks, _right_?” 

Jisoo’s answering was too slow in coming, or at least to his frantic mind it was.

“Jisoo?” Jeonghan’s voice cracked.

He no longer cared that it did.

“Of course, Jeonghan.” Jisoo finally spoke, eyes crinkling in the corners as he summoned up a smile. “I’ll see you soon.” His voice was gentle. So fucking gentle. 

And if it were even possible, the seemingly baseless fear in Jeonghan’s heart multiplied tenfold. 

* * *

Jeonghan had just come home after a study session with Seungcheol - how Jisoo managed to arrange such a thing with him still overseas made Jeonghan roll his eyes, though it was in exasperated affection.

Humming to himself as he closed the front door behind him, Jeonghan didn’t have to check his watch to know it was still too early to call Jisoo. While usually he’d be filled with needy impatience, for the first time in days he felt calm enough to wait for the appropriate time.

Strangely calm, he thought absentmindedly, given the events of the past few days.

Jeonghan’s humming progressed to soft singing as he slipped off his shoes and padded barefoot to his small dining table, where his laptop still lay open. He slid his bag off his shoulder, massaging the area where the thick strap dug into, before he plopped gratefully onto the seat, a tired sigh escaping his lips.  

Jeonghan's hands moved instinctively to open his laptop, his fingers flying over the keys as he typed in his password, his eyes slowly adjusting as the screen brightened in front of him. 

A message notification, he registered. Just one. Jeonghan didn’t think as he clicked on it. 

_I don’t know how to say this, Jeonghan._

The blonde’s brow furrowed in confusion as he read the first line.  

 _I can’t believe I’m even doing this_.

Jeonghan felt his spine stiffen, his eyes scanning the text on the screen. 

_Please know you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me._

His pulse beat like an erratic thing in his chest. His lips parted though he feared he’d never be able to speak a word.

_Please don’t think, never think this was easy for me to do. How could it be?_

Jeonghan wanted to slam the laptop shut, to stop reading, but his body didn’t cooperate as his fingers continued to scroll down.

Down. Down. Down.

_They didn’t give me a choice._

_Excuses_ , he wanted to scream, but his throat felt too dry, too raw.

_There was truly nothing I could do._

_Lies_ , his heart ached and his hands fisted and he wondered if he could do it hard enough to leave a permanent mark.

_I love you._

Jeonghan didn’t know a heart could break with three words.

 _I’m sorry._  

He didn’t know how irreparable it could become with two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides* I'm sorry.


End file.
